My Fertility Frustrations

Lately I've been feeling an urge to blog about this typically private topic, and I'm not exactly sure why. I'm a very open person and really don't mind talking about it, but I realize that some people are uncomfortable with this topic. But I figure that you are each quite capable of deciding whether or not you want to continue reading this post...

Those of you who are still reading this are most likely curious and may have even considered asking me and/or Scott about our fertility issues but possibly felt unsure of how to do it. I understand your hesitation. I have appreciated the few people I know who have openly shared with me their own struggles with infertility, especially those who have been frank about the emotional distress involved. Their openness has really helped me feel validated, understood, and hopeful, so maybe I'm hoping that my openness will do the same for someone else. Because infertility sucks! And it's okay to be frustrated.

Scott and I got married just over 2 years ago (Feb. 9, 2008), and we were both 31 at the time. We knew we didn't want to wait long to have children, so we began to try to become pregnant just a month after our wedding. I had tried to have children in my first marriage for just a few months before we first separated. I hoped that my inability to become pregnant then was due to the fact that God didn't want my ex procreating (only somewhat kidding--don't judge me) rather than anything to do with my own fertility. Unfortunately, after trying for over 6 months, Scott and I realized that we must have some infertility issues. We began extensive testing (blood work, ultrasounds, semen analyses, and the dreaded hysterosalpingogram--made me faint) in October of 2008. Our doctor couldn't find anything wrong with us, so she prescribed me Clomid in March of 2009 and referred us to a fertility specialist. I continued on a Clomid for 6 more months, but I also began taking progesterone pills when it was discovered that they "like to have the progesterone level a little higher." No further explanation was ever given. Frustrating. After I quit my full time job in June, we did 3 months of more aggressive treatments that added transvaginal ultrasounds (so not fun) and HCG shots (not for weight loss, unfortunately) to the mix. Oh yeah, and monthly blood work. (I absolutely HATE having my blood drawn and have to lie down or I will faint.) It was a blessing not to have to work full time during those months because I had so many appointments that had to be on certain days of my cycle. Also, the pills and especially the HCG shot messed with my emotions. I became severely depressed for a day every time I had the shot. Good times. Anyway, we ended our treatments there in September because they said they couldn't do anything else for us and referred us to another specialist. Scott and I decided to take an emotional and financial break for a few months.

And so now we are at the Utah Fertility Center in Pleasant Grove. Scott and I met with the doctor there at the end of January. It was the first time that anyone sat down and went through all of our testing with us, talked in depth about the possible causes of infertility, and came up with a specific plan for us. It was nice. He told us that we have no major problems. My progesterone is a little low, but medication can fix that; Scott's sperm is fine, although it has some normal, minor abnormalities. Our plan is to try IUI (artificial insemination) for 4 months and then look at trying IVF (in vitro). This month I'm back on Clomid, progesterone pills, new estrogen pills, and I get to give myself an HCG shot tomorrow afternoon (I'm absolutely terrified!). I went in today for an ultrasound, and two follicles are looking good. So we scheduled our first IUI for this Wednesday afternoon. I'm excited and nervous and hopeful and doubtful all at the same time.

And that brings me to my original point in this post. Infertility sucks! It's a terrible emotional roller coaster. It's so hard to balance hope and faith with being realistic and trying not to get our hopes up and then dashed month after month. Scott and I have felt so ready to become parents, and it has been heartbreaking to realize that this may not happen for us. I personally have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I absolutely love kids, and I'm totally in love with my nieces and nephews. I have prayed for patience, for more faith, for hope, for understanding, for peace. I have been blessed with these things at times, but I have also really struggled. It's especially frustrating when I think about what a righteous desire it is to want to have children. It's part of the Plan, you know. Why does it have to be so difficult? Why should I have to wait so long to be a mom when I already waited so long to find a good husband (who will definitely be a fabulous father)? And when I start comparing my circumstances to others', that is where I really get into trouble. I start wondering why Heavenly Father is punishing me and if he doesn't trust that I will be a good enough mother. Very dangerous thoughts that I try to control. But sometimes nothing makes sense. Why does Heavenly Father send babies to mothers and fathers who abuse them (I see this all the time in my work)? Why does He send them into poverty, homelessness, and sickness? Why does He withhold this great blessing to those of us who are truly trying to do what's right? I don't know the answer, and I probably never will in this life. I just have to worry about myself and try to learn what I am supposed to learn from this trial. I'll admit that I have gone through a couple of periods of intense anger toward Heavenly Father. It's easier for me to accept having trials when they are linked to bad decisions made by myself or by others (i.e. ex-husbands), but it has been much harder to reconcile the fact that this one is all up to Him. It is all based on His will, and it is just so hard to submit to His will when I want children more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. Two weeks ago I was having a particularly angry day, and that night I opened my Book of Mormon only because it is our Stake goal to read every day. I was hoping to read one quick verse and be done with it. I opened right to Mosiah 3:19 and read:
"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."
I read this and knew it was just for me, but I was annoyed and took a few days to humble myself. I know that I need to submit to Heavenly Father's will in all things, not just in the things I think I can handle. And I must become as the child I so desperately want to have. I do appreciate the way Heavenly Father gives me good, strong reminders from time to time. For me, submitting to His will is much easier said than done, so I appreciate that this is a process that Heavenly Father is always willing to help me work on. He truly is much more patient with me than I am with Him or with myself. And I know he loves me and has blessed me with a wonderful husband and family and friends to support me through this trial.

I think I just realized why I needed to blog about all this. I need your prayers. I need your faith. Most of my nieces and nephews pray every day that Scott and I will have a baby. I wish I had a particle of the faith they have. Please pray for Scott and me to be able to conceive this Wednesday as we try our first IUI procedure. We need all the help we can get. And please pray that we will feel peace and faith no matter what Heavenly Father's will is for us.

Please feel free to talk openly to me about any questions or advice you may have. I'm usually fine talking about all of this. Granted, I have moments when anything and everything baby-related makes me burst into tears, but I am perfectly capable of telling you when I need to take a break from it.

And for the record, I am jealous when others are able to have babies so easily. However, this does not mean that I don't want them to have this great blessing. I just want it too. I would never wish infertility on anyone. It sucks, remember? :)

And here's a picture to make this post less boring:

This is my favorite pic of Faith, Cole, and Clay, taken during Christmas of 2008. And you wonder why I want to have kids. They're just plain amazing!