Thursday, September 27, 2012

a few changes 'round here

the leaves...

 
 We took a drive up the canyon Sunday afternoon to see the changing leaves.
 
It was absolutely beautiful!

new furniture...

You have no idea how much this piece of furniture has improved my mental health. Thank you, CostCo!

I love having a place for all of Hannah's toys & stuff!

new favorite baby doll...

 Hannah appears to have a new favorite baby doll--my favorite doll from my childhood (named after my beautiful cousin, Natalie). :)

What a couple of adorable dollies!

pre-terrible two's...

No pictures of this yet, but Hannah seems to have suddenly hit her terrible two's this week. She had a huge tantrum at Macey's on Monday and has had many other sizeable tantrums since then. And she is loving the word "no!" more than ever. Where has my angel baby gone?!? Good thing she is so stinkin' cute!!!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Loss & Gains

I know quite a bit about loss. A big part of what I do in my work is to help others grieve and heal from the losses that occur with abuse and trauma. So you might think I would be able to easily deal with my own loss. Not always.

Today is September 18th. It was my due date. For my twins. And it's been a hard day. Harder than I expected.

Anniversaries and certain dates are especially hard with loss. So I anticipated that today would be hard--I just didn't expect to feel so sad. I could have had two more babies by now. Scott could have had two more children. And Hannah could have had two siblings. I know that most of my sadness is for Hannah's loss. Scott and I already have the incredible blessing of being parents. But will Hannah ever have the blessing of being a sister? Of having a little brother or a little sister or both?

I certainly hope so. She would be such a wonderful big sister. She absolutely loves her baby cousins. Any doubt that I had about her ability to adjust to and love a younger sibling has dissolved as I have watched her sweetness with those two baby boys. She is so happy to have them around and tries to be so helpful by wiping their spitty mouths or giving them toys or blankets or whatever. Hannah obviously has a special capacity to expand her love. She is even more loving towards me when the babies are around. I'm so grateful that she has them to love and that she has many other cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents that she loves and who love her. They are all such an important part of her life. But the reality is that it's just not the same as having a sibling to share everyday life with and grow up with and reminisce about your childhood with and have your own babies with and take care of your aging parents with.

The good news is that I had my last monthly blood draw last week, and everything came back normal. So we got the ok to start trying to get pregnant again. I'm both excited and terrified. Excited that we might be able to have another child. But also terrified that we will get our hopes up only to experience a huge loss again. My miscarriage was really hard on me--both physically and emotionally. And it was hard on Scott. But it was even harder to see how it affected Hannah to have me sick and unable to do many things for several months. I really don't want to put her through that again.

Have I mentioned how grateful I am for that cutie Hannah? She has brought me so much joy and peace and hope throughout her short life, three things that I especially needed and thankfully had during the drawn-out miscarriage. If I hadn't already had Hannah, that loss would have been absolutely devastating. But I have Hannah. Forever. And what more could I possibly want?

Except for a sibling for her. And another baby for me to somehow love and adore as much as I love and adore Hannah. So please pray for us. We really do appreciate your prayers.

After a loss, it is helpful to look at what you have gained. I have gained an even deeper appreciation and love for Hannah. And for the gift of motherhood. And for good health. And for Scott. And for our friends and family. I truly am blessed.

Today is also Hannah's 21-month birthday. 21 months! And even though I only cried in the shower and during her nap time, she seemed to sense what I needed and gave me extra loves today. I especially loved it when I was ordering photo prints at CostCo, and instead of getting bored she sat next to me in the cart and caressed and hugged my arm. What a sweetheart!

 Here she is looking super cute...

...while she chats with everyone she sees in my screen saver pics. :)


I'm feeling much better now. It's amazing what sharing thoughts and feelings does for healing. Thanks for listening. I'm going to go share some more with Scott.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Fall must be here...

...because this weekend was full of...

FOOTBALL,

 Clay played super well and helped his team win yesterday.



 Hannah enjoyed hanging out with Faith and Cole on the sidelines.

 The whole football-watching crew.

 Christina keeps track of plays, and Camo (in the background) coaches.

We won't talk about the other football game we saw yesterday. :(


CANNING,

Scott spent Friday evening canning a few tomatoes.

 And he spent the rest of the weekend making delicious chili sauce.

 One batch is still cooking. Yum!


& LAST SWIM OF THE SEASON.



 Hannah seriously can't get enough of the pool.

 I love this action shot of Hannah splashing her daddy.

This cracks me up--they are both hiding from the camera. :)


Fall is unofficially here, and I think I'm ok with it.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Rhode Island & Massachusetts

At the very beginning of this year, Scott and I started talking about wanting to take a fun vacation this year so that we could fly one last time with Hannah for free before she turns 2. We quickly decided that we wanted to visit my uncle in Rhode Island. It was a very good decision. This past Saturday we got back from our fabulous, week-long vacation to Rhode Island and Massachusetts.

The pics...


Day 1: Flight to Rhode Island, Hannah's motion sickness, & Pizza

I actually don't have any pics of this day because my camera was going berserk and was erasing all the pics I was taking. Just know that Hannah did really well on both of our flights, with the exception of puking all over Scott at the end of our first take-off. Poor Hannah. And poor smelly Scott. We arrived safely in Rhode Island and were greeted with love and pizza by my Uncle Zen and his husband Jon.


Day 2: Church, Walk on Beach, Chatting, & Good Food

Scott, Hannah, and I attended a Young Single Adult ward in Rhode Island, which was pretty interesting. We then enjoyed a wonderful afternoon of talking and getting to know Zen and Jon on a deeper level. What a blessing! We also enjoyed a nice walk on the beach that is a block-and-a-half from their home. We then enjoyed a delicious meal prepared and grilled by Jon.

What a cutie! She loved the sand but not the water this time.

Jon, Hannah, Scott, & Zen

Hannah sure loves her daddy! There were way more shells on this beach than on the beaches in California.


Day 3: Burn, Boston, & Seafood

After 20 months of successfully making sure that Hannah never got near my hot hair straightener, she grabbed it when I thought Scott was watching her and burned herself pretty badly. Luckily, Zen is a doctor and helped us try to treat Hannah's burns (she would not let us put on any band-aids). After the burn incident, Scott, Hannah. and I took a train into Boston and managed to have a great day there. Zen and Jon later took us out to dinner at a nice seafood restaurant. The food was delicious, and the company was fabulous. Scott even joined me and Zen to try his first oysters. Yum!

This pic was taken 3 days after she got burned. Poor Hannah. Ouch!

Boston Commons had a few leaves on the ground.

We walked along most of the Freedom Trail.

We had some yummy Indian food.

And Hannah looked cute in her red, white, and blue dress.

This was Hannah's favorite part of the day--neighing at Paul Revere's horse. :)


Day 4: Cape Cod

It was a day full of driving and beautiful scenery and quaint little towns.

 Our first stop was the now-abandoned grocery store where Scott worked for a Summer many years ago.

Lunch on a bench in Woods Hole...

...with a beautiful view of the ocean and Martha's Vineyard.

Nobska Lighthouse near Woods Hole. So pretty.

 The beach in Chatham. Hannah has been to both coasts within the last couple of months. Lucky girl!

The ocean was beautiful but dangerous there.

We were hoping to climb the lighthouse in Chatham, but it is only open every other Wednesday. And we were there on a Tuesday.

 We stopped for ice cream, and Hannah's favorite part was the kid-sized table and chairs.

 Our last stop was in Provincetown, which is a bit less green than the rest of Cape Cod but is still a fun beach town.

 We had fish and chips for dinner there.


Day 5: Adventures in the Pouring Rain

I had initially wanted to go to Plymouth and Plimouth Plantation on this day, but Scott didn't like that idea, so we decided to drive to Newport, Rhode Island, instead. We had a lazy morning waiting for the downpour of rain to stop, but it never did (thanks to the remnants of Hurrican Isaac). We finally ventured out around noon, and we soon regretted it. After going through several humongous puddles (even worse than in Venezuela) and seeing a few cars get stuck, we decided to go back home after a quick stop at the store. That evening, Scott cooked dinner for all of us, and we enjoyed more quality time with Zen and Jon.

I took the rainy-day opportunity to take some pics of Zen and Jon's beautiful home.

 
 This is our comfy guest suite...

 
 ...with a cute attached bathroom.

 This is the front of the house...

 ...and this is the pretty fish pond that Zen and Jon built in their gorgeous backyard. Hannah absolutely loved looking at these fish multiple times a day.

This is Zen and Jon's beautiful private lane leading to their house...

 ...and the view of the ocean from the end of their lane. It was a little too cloudy to see clearly.

 
Hannah loved taking a couple of baths in this "swimming pool." Splash-a-mania! :)


Day 6: Salem, Massachusetts

We drove a couple of hours to Salem to see the sites.

We ate lunch in a cute park.

In the Salem Witch Museum, we learned a lot about Salem's history and the famous witch trials. 

 This is one of the old cemeteries there.

Scottie must have been naughty. :) 

Scott thinks I look right at home here.

Hannah's favorite part of Salem was this awesome toy store, which we let her play in twice. She certainly practiced her screaming both times we had to leave.

 Our fam with Samantha from "Bewitched."

We got home in time for Hannah to spend time playing with Jon...

 ...and Zen! :)


Day 7: Brown University, Zen's Work, & Red Sox game!

Scott, Hannah, and I drove to Providence and explored Brown University.

 It is a beautiful campus.

 Then we drove to Bradley Hospital where Zen works as one of the 2 head child psychiatrists who supervise medical students from Yale, Harvard, and other good universities. We didn't get to see Zen in action, but I know that he is an amazing doctor. He is absolutely great with kids, and he is just so gentle, patient, and kind with everyone.

 Hannah wore her Cubs jumper for the first half of the day.

 We took a walk to the beach.

Hannah still didn't want to wade her feet in the ocean. :)

We took the train to Fenway Park, and Hannah enjoyed spending some time with her uncles.

 We were a little late and fortunately missed a good portion of a rain delay.

 Ya gotta love Fenway--even if it doesn't compare to Wrigley. :)


Hannah brushed up on her Red Sox knowledge. Love those eyes!

These two wonderful men continued their habit of spoiling us rotten.

 Hannah got a new Red Sox shirt and a stuffed Wally, the Green Monster.

Go, Red Sox! Too bad they lost.

Hannah zonked out on the train ride home.


Day 8: Pack, Chill, & Fly Home

We packed, and then Hannah said good-bye to Zen and Jon's two cute little dogs. All week Hannah loved the dogs from a distance but then screamed bloody murder whenever they went near her. Poor doggies.

 
Hannah was sad to say good-bye to her uncles, and she even waved good-bye to me and Scott.

 Hannah did well on the flights home. No throwing up this time. She was fortunate to get her own seat on 3 of our 4 total flights. She loved coloring and "reading" the airplane magazines and pamphlets.

 And she enjoyed staring out the window. Our only excitement on this flight was when some drunk dude lit up a cigarette and ended up with 4 Homeland Security officers waiting for him when he got off the plane in SLC.

What a snuggly sweetie pie!


We had an amazing vacation! We started missing Uncle Zen & Uncle Jon as soon as we drove away from their house! :)