I was going to tell you all about how well these things apparently work:
(fertility dolls our friends brought back for us from South Africa--Hannah was actually conceived at about the time they were purchased)I was also going to tell you all about how shocked, grateful, and terrified Scott and I were to find out that we were expecting twins after only one month of trying (and with no fertility treatments).
But apparently Heavenly Father had different plans. And here I had been thinking that He must really not want Hannah to be a weird, smothered only child. Now I'm still not at all sure what He was/is thinking. He's kind of a teaser.
So here's what happened... (WARNING: THIS IS LONG AND TMI!)
Many of you already know that Scott and I found out in January (the 18th) that I was pregnant. We were very surprised, grateful, and relieved that we didn't need to use fertility treatments. We had been anticipating trying for 6 months and then returning to our fertility doctor to have a couple rounds of fertility treatments. We certainly weren't expecting it to happen so quickly. I'll admit that the same day I found out that I was pregnant, I felt sad about that loss of one-on-one time I would have with Hannah once the new baby arrived. I have since heard that this is a normal feeling for moms to have when they are expecting their 2nd child.
I started having some light bleeding (beginning of TMI) the day after I found out I was pregnant, so I had to stop exercising and start "taking it easy." I also decided not to get too attached to the pregnancy. I had blood drawn twice that weekend that showed that my HCG levels were increasing at a normal rate. However, they weren't as high as they should have been at 5 1/2 weeks. My doctor said I just probably wasn't as far along as I thought I was. That seemed pretty unlikely to me due to the fact that I have been very good at keeping track of my cycle for years now. But I had been told that the fact that I was weaning Hannah right when I got pregnant could have altered my cycle. And I also already knew that I ovulate very late when I'm not on fertility meds, so I conceded that it was possible that my due date was off. And I started taking nightly progesterone suppositories (which are as bad as they sound or possibly worse).
That following week, I started having normal pregnancy symptoms--nausea, hunger, fatigue--but I felt quite a bit sicker that I had with Hannah. I also had a little more bleeding and some cramps and even some sharp abdominal pains a couple of times. So I had an ultrasound that following Monday. I was supposed to be 6 weeks and 6 days along, so Scott and I were nervous and anxious to see the baby's heart beat because we had seen Hannah's at 7 weeks.
Well, we didn't see the heartbeat. The unauthorized hospital tech lady told us that she saw a small egg sac and that I had either miscarried or wasn't very far along. We were heartbroken. Apparently, my plan to not get attached to this pregnancy had failed. My doctor called the results "inconclusive," and scheduled another ultrasound for a few days later. In the meantime, I had another HCG level blood draw which showed that my levels were increasing at a normal rate. I felt hope again.
On February 3rd, I had another ultrasound (this time at my doctor's office), and the tech clarified with us that we hadn't used fertility treatments this time. She then told us that she was seeing 2 egg sacs. She said that I was still measuring small (about 4 weeks), but she agreed that weaning and late ovulation could throw all of that off. She then consulted with the doctor and scheduled us to go back in almost 3 weeks for a follow-up ultrasound.
Scott and I were shocked. Twins? Wow! You should have seen the look on Scott's face. He looked absolutely terrified. We were both filling thrilled and a bit terrified. We spent the next 19 days thinking, planning, and worrying about how in the heck we were going to physically, logistically, and emotionally manage having twins just 21 months after Hannah was born. I felt both overwhelmed and hopeful. I worried a lot about the effect twins would have on Hannah's life. But the day after Valentines Day, I suddenly felt an overwhelming love for my babies in my stomach. I felt great peace knowing that somehow I would love them as much as I love Hannah, and I knew that that would make it possible for me to do and be whatever I needed to do and be for all 3 of them (with a lot of help from Heavenly Father and from family and friends).
My pregnancy was going well during this time. I only had light bleeding twice. And all 9 pregnancy tests I took throughout this whole process were positive--even the one I took the night before my last ultrasound. (You could say I was a little leery about my body actually being capable of being and staying pregnant on its own--9 tests!). I was feeling quite hopeful going into that last ultrasound. I knew I was still pregnant, so I thought that the worst-case scenario would be that I had lost one of the twins. I could live with that.
Scott and I were hugely disappointed when we found out during the ultrasound on February 22nd that there were no babies in the egg sacs. My doctor told us it was a twin blighted ovum (or ova). He said that it happens in about 20% of miscarriages. The egg gets fertilized and the placenta forms, but then either the baby never starts growing or actually starts and stops very early on. I had never heard of this before.
I felt sick and numb as I walked out of the doctor's office with Scott. But quickly my disappointment turned into anger toward Heavenly Father. Why in the world would He do this to us?! What was the point of getting our hopes us and then dashing them to pieces?! And the twin thing?! Come on!! That was just completely unnecessary. Don't you think?
I felt silly that I had actually started to believe that Scott and I were going to be one of those couples. You know, the ones who go from Infertile Turtles to Fertile Myrtles overnight. I have heard many of these miraculous stories and even know some miraculous couples and babies personally. I just should have known better than to let myself get so hopeful. Silly me.
Physical pain soon joined my emotional pain. Scott and I opted not to do the D&C (surgery) in order to save a few thousand dollars that we believed would be better spent on future fertility treatments. Big mistake. After almost 3 weeks and 3 rounds of meds, I still have a little bit of tissue left to pass. I'll spare you all the gory details (some of you haven't been so fortunate), but just know that the process has involved a lot of pain, emotional stress, blood loss, anxiety, anemia, and one trip to the emergency room (due to hemorrhaging). Not to mention, some loss of quality time with Hannah. I have been quite sick and fatigued--thank goodness for Scott! If there is a next time, I will absolutely opt for the D&C. The emotional and physical cost was not worth the little money saved.
So that's that. I'm still not certain what I am supposed to be learning from this experience. Don't worry. I'm not still angry with Heavenly Father. Just a little annoyed from time to time, but not angry. As is usually my way, I avoided reading my scriptures for a few days after that last ultrasound. But I finally read the chapter I had read a few days before that ultrasound that had given me peace and comfort--Ether 6. The first half is about the brother of Jared and his people sailing to the promised land. Now, I know I'm not a thing like the brother of Jared, but for some reason this chapter really spoke to me. When I first read it, I found comfort in reading about how the brother of Jared was able to prepare so well both temporally and spiritually that his vessels could not be penetrated by dark waters or animals. And they had light/hope. At the time it seemed strange to me that I was comparing having twins to be swallowed up in the depths of the sea--I knew it wasn't going to be that hard. But I did take comfort in knowing that Heavenly Father would help me prepare for it both temporally and spiritually.
When I read this chapter again after the ultrasound, I knew it was meant to help me get through the miscarriage. I needed to be strong and faithful and not let the darkness of despair into my vessel. I needed to sing praises to to Heavenly Father for His blessings and be grateful for His tender mercies. I certainly didn't do any of this very well, but I felt peace in knowing that Heavenly Father would help me through this if I let Him. It was a turning point for me about a week into this ordeal. I asked Scott for a blessing, and I have felt peace ever since. It certainly helps that I have had my sweet Hannah to love and care for. She brings so much joy into my life. And she is my hope for the future. I'm so grateful to my Heavenly Father for the blessing of having Hannah. This whole experience would have been so much harder without her. If it were possible to love and appreciate Hannah more than I already did, I certainly do.
At this point, who knows if Hannah will ever have a sibling. I have to wait at least a couple of months to try again. And Scott and I may need some more time for emotional healing after that. I'm not sure what Heavenly Father's plan is for my future, but I certainly plan to be as happy and content with my Hannah-ful life as I was before the miscarriage.
Thanks to all of you for your love and support. Scott and I have truly appreciated your prayers.
**A positive end note: This trial has helped me realize how far I have come in my emotional healing. At the beginning of my miscarriage, Scott inadvertently did a couple of things that triggered my past trauma, and I wasn't sure how long it would take me to work through it. Thankfully, due to the deep trust I have in Scott and due to our healthy relationship, I was able to talk openly about it and forgive Scott (relatively) quickly and then rely on him throughout the rest of the miscarriage. So maybe I have learned a thing or two from this trial. :)
And now a picture of my actual fertility dolly:
So here's what happened... (WARNING: THIS IS LONG AND TMI!)
Many of you already know that Scott and I found out in January (the 18th) that I was pregnant. We were very surprised, grateful, and relieved that we didn't need to use fertility treatments. We had been anticipating trying for 6 months and then returning to our fertility doctor to have a couple rounds of fertility treatments. We certainly weren't expecting it to happen so quickly. I'll admit that the same day I found out that I was pregnant, I felt sad about that loss of one-on-one time I would have with Hannah once the new baby arrived. I have since heard that this is a normal feeling for moms to have when they are expecting their 2nd child.
I started having some light bleeding (beginning of TMI) the day after I found out I was pregnant, so I had to stop exercising and start "taking it easy." I also decided not to get too attached to the pregnancy. I had blood drawn twice that weekend that showed that my HCG levels were increasing at a normal rate. However, they weren't as high as they should have been at 5 1/2 weeks. My doctor said I just probably wasn't as far along as I thought I was. That seemed pretty unlikely to me due to the fact that I have been very good at keeping track of my cycle for years now. But I had been told that the fact that I was weaning Hannah right when I got pregnant could have altered my cycle. And I also already knew that I ovulate very late when I'm not on fertility meds, so I conceded that it was possible that my due date was off. And I started taking nightly progesterone suppositories (which are as bad as they sound or possibly worse).
That following week, I started having normal pregnancy symptoms--nausea, hunger, fatigue--but I felt quite a bit sicker that I had with Hannah. I also had a little more bleeding and some cramps and even some sharp abdominal pains a couple of times. So I had an ultrasound that following Monday. I was supposed to be 6 weeks and 6 days along, so Scott and I were nervous and anxious to see the baby's heart beat because we had seen Hannah's at 7 weeks.
Well, we didn't see the heartbeat. The unauthorized hospital tech lady told us that she saw a small egg sac and that I had either miscarried or wasn't very far along. We were heartbroken. Apparently, my plan to not get attached to this pregnancy had failed. My doctor called the results "inconclusive," and scheduled another ultrasound for a few days later. In the meantime, I had another HCG level blood draw which showed that my levels were increasing at a normal rate. I felt hope again.
On February 3rd, I had another ultrasound (this time at my doctor's office), and the tech clarified with us that we hadn't used fertility treatments this time. She then told us that she was seeing 2 egg sacs. She said that I was still measuring small (about 4 weeks), but she agreed that weaning and late ovulation could throw all of that off. She then consulted with the doctor and scheduled us to go back in almost 3 weeks for a follow-up ultrasound.
Scott and I were shocked. Twins? Wow! You should have seen the look on Scott's face. He looked absolutely terrified. We were both filling thrilled and a bit terrified. We spent the next 19 days thinking, planning, and worrying about how in the heck we were going to physically, logistically, and emotionally manage having twins just 21 months after Hannah was born. I felt both overwhelmed and hopeful. I worried a lot about the effect twins would have on Hannah's life. But the day after Valentines Day, I suddenly felt an overwhelming love for my babies in my stomach. I felt great peace knowing that somehow I would love them as much as I love Hannah, and I knew that that would make it possible for me to do and be whatever I needed to do and be for all 3 of them (with a lot of help from Heavenly Father and from family and friends).
My pregnancy was going well during this time. I only had light bleeding twice. And all 9 pregnancy tests I took throughout this whole process were positive--even the one I took the night before my last ultrasound. (You could say I was a little leery about my body actually being capable of being and staying pregnant on its own--9 tests!). I was feeling quite hopeful going into that last ultrasound. I knew I was still pregnant, so I thought that the worst-case scenario would be that I had lost one of the twins. I could live with that.
Scott and I were hugely disappointed when we found out during the ultrasound on February 22nd that there were no babies in the egg sacs. My doctor told us it was a twin blighted ovum (or ova). He said that it happens in about 20% of miscarriages. The egg gets fertilized and the placenta forms, but then either the baby never starts growing or actually starts and stops very early on. I had never heard of this before.
I felt sick and numb as I walked out of the doctor's office with Scott. But quickly my disappointment turned into anger toward Heavenly Father. Why in the world would He do this to us?! What was the point of getting our hopes us and then dashing them to pieces?! And the twin thing?! Come on!! That was just completely unnecessary. Don't you think?
I felt silly that I had actually started to believe that Scott and I were going to be one of those couples. You know, the ones who go from Infertile Turtles to Fertile Myrtles overnight. I have heard many of these miraculous stories and even know some miraculous couples and babies personally. I just should have known better than to let myself get so hopeful. Silly me.
Physical pain soon joined my emotional pain. Scott and I opted not to do the D&C (surgery) in order to save a few thousand dollars that we believed would be better spent on future fertility treatments. Big mistake. After almost 3 weeks and 3 rounds of meds, I still have a little bit of tissue left to pass. I'll spare you all the gory details (some of you haven't been so fortunate), but just know that the process has involved a lot of pain, emotional stress, blood loss, anxiety, anemia, and one trip to the emergency room (due to hemorrhaging). Not to mention, some loss of quality time with Hannah. I have been quite sick and fatigued--thank goodness for Scott! If there is a next time, I will absolutely opt for the D&C. The emotional and physical cost was not worth the little money saved.
So that's that. I'm still not certain what I am supposed to be learning from this experience. Don't worry. I'm not still angry with Heavenly Father. Just a little annoyed from time to time, but not angry. As is usually my way, I avoided reading my scriptures for a few days after that last ultrasound. But I finally read the chapter I had read a few days before that ultrasound that had given me peace and comfort--Ether 6. The first half is about the brother of Jared and his people sailing to the promised land. Now, I know I'm not a thing like the brother of Jared, but for some reason this chapter really spoke to me. When I first read it, I found comfort in reading about how the brother of Jared was able to prepare so well both temporally and spiritually that his vessels could not be penetrated by dark waters or animals. And they had light/hope. At the time it seemed strange to me that I was comparing having twins to be swallowed up in the depths of the sea--I knew it wasn't going to be that hard. But I did take comfort in knowing that Heavenly Father would help me prepare for it both temporally and spiritually.
When I read this chapter again after the ultrasound, I knew it was meant to help me get through the miscarriage. I needed to be strong and faithful and not let the darkness of despair into my vessel. I needed to sing praises to to Heavenly Father for His blessings and be grateful for His tender mercies. I certainly didn't do any of this very well, but I felt peace in knowing that Heavenly Father would help me through this if I let Him. It was a turning point for me about a week into this ordeal. I asked Scott for a blessing, and I have felt peace ever since. It certainly helps that I have had my sweet Hannah to love and care for. She brings so much joy into my life. And she is my hope for the future. I'm so grateful to my Heavenly Father for the blessing of having Hannah. This whole experience would have been so much harder without her. If it were possible to love and appreciate Hannah more than I already did, I certainly do.
At this point, who knows if Hannah will ever have a sibling. I have to wait at least a couple of months to try again. And Scott and I may need some more time for emotional healing after that. I'm not sure what Heavenly Father's plan is for my future, but I certainly plan to be as happy and content with my Hannah-ful life as I was before the miscarriage.
Thanks to all of you for your love and support. Scott and I have truly appreciated your prayers.
**A positive end note: This trial has helped me realize how far I have come in my emotional healing. At the beginning of my miscarriage, Scott inadvertently did a couple of things that triggered my past trauma, and I wasn't sure how long it would take me to work through it. Thankfully, due to the deep trust I have in Scott and due to our healthy relationship, I was able to talk openly about it and forgive Scott (relatively) quickly and then rely on him throughout the rest of the miscarriage. So maybe I have learned a thing or two from this trial. :)
And now a picture of my actual fertility dolly:
Isn't she adorable?!
13 comments:
Hey Mary Ann,
You probably don't even know that I read your blog so I hope it's not too creepy to you that I do but...I just wanted to thank you for this post. They were words that I needed to hear as well.
Tracy
ps - i promise to return your karaoke equipment super soon :)
I mourned along with you and Scott. I know all too well how disappointing, heartbreaking, and alone it feels. I promise when you look back on this in a few months or years you will understand a little more than you do now. If you ever want to talk or anything let me know. I am around.
I'm so sorry for your difficulties and can understand questioning why things happen. I hope you continue to heal and grow and trust that whatever happens will be what is best for you all.
I love you guys and appreciate hearing more about this experience. I'll keep sending prayers your way. And I think it's so great that you look to Hannah as your hope. She is wonderful and I can't wait to see you all in a few weeks! I also hope you are feeling better and recovering well.
I've been thinking about you and praying for you. Time heals, and you know you will never be the same again, but you will be better; and that shows what amazing people you are. Aunt Lynda
You're making me feel better about the thousands of dollars we spent doing a D&C when I miscarried. I was so frustrated with the outrageous cost of a few hours in the hospital room, especially because it all ended in heartache and no baby. I was also surprised at the depth of emotions and loss I felt. I hope the rest of your physical pain ends soon and you continue to heal emotionally. It is definitely a process and I can tell you are on the road to recovery. Thank goodness for hope and an eternal perspective!
My heart goes out to you. So sorry for your loss. So happy that you have a supportive husband and such a sweet baby girl - hope and joy!
You guys have been in my thoughts a prayers. I hope you are feeling better.
Your little real fertility doll is such an angel. I am so happy she is bringing you comfort and peace at this time. Thinking of you. Love ya!!
Glad to hear your perspective. You are an amazing mom and Hannah is blessed to have you to guide her and help her through this journey. Look forward to seeing you all and that precious fertility dolly!
I love you and your open ways:)
I love you tons honey buns. Let me know if you need me, anytime, day or night.
Thank you all for your love and support. It helps a lot.
Tracy--I'm definitely not creeped out that you read my blog. I'm sure I'd read yours too if you had one. :)
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