Springtime in the Rockies

It must be Springtime in Utah because it can be in the 60's or 70's one day, and the next day it looks like this...

The day before the First Day of Spring, we woke up to our first real snowstorm of the season. We had only had 2 previous snowstorms, with much less snow that didn't stick.

So Hannah and I went out after lunch to play/chill in the snow. I got one smile out of her...

...and then Hannah got a little distracted.

She was fascinated by a little boy running around.

I did catch one more great smile, but of course my dumb camera strap was in the way.

What a cutie in her hat and mittens!

Hannah wasn't so sure about the snow at first.

But she did rub her mittens in it for a bit. (And don't worry--her bum isn't cold because I sat her on a white trash bag.)

I just can't believe she left her mittens on.

What a pretty baby!

Always chewing on her tongue. :)

I'm glad she finally got to wear her cute boots!

This is actually a happy smile. Funny!

As soon as we went back inside, Hannah went straight to her favorite spot--looking at pictures on the laptop.

Happy sometimes-warm-sometimes-snowy Spring to you all!

Hannah's 1st Cubs game!

I was thrilled to be able to take our usually-annual trip to Arizona for Cubs Spring Training this past weekend. We weren't able to go last year, due to Hannah's health problems and her follow-up surgery. So this was her very first Cubs game ever! And I'll admit that I got a wee bit sentimental. I may have teared up several times on the drive down, just thinking about how amazing it was going to be to be with Hannah at a Cubs game. And I was not disappointed. :)

Anyway, we had a blast! Scott, Hannah, and I drove to St. George late Thursday night (after my group) to stay with my sister and her fam. We left pretty early the next morning and made it to Mesa by late afternoon. (Can I just tell you how much I love the new, scary road that helps you bypass the dang dam?!) Friday night, we enjoyed dinner at Vitos (Italian) with 2 of my favorite friends from college, Jodi and Melanie, and Jodi's fam. Melanie's husband stayed home with their kids and Hannah because one of their kids had thrown up right before the baby-sitter arrived. Good times.

Don't let this adorable pic fool you. Hannah did not nap well in the car at all!

Hannah was fascinated by Mr. Potato Head at Melanie's house..

Our tired baby right before we left for dinner.

Hannah was so tired that she actually fell asleep sitting in this chair, holding her baby doll. This never happens.

Saturday morning, Hannah napped while I ran to the store with Melanie. Then we all headed to the Cubs game.

Hannah in the cute onesie I found for her at Walmart down there.

Her onesie says Cubs Love.

Jodi, Ryan, and their adorable baby.

The lovely Easthope family!

Hannah really loved being there--she just needed a little nap.

And she absolutely loved this straw.

Hannah and Anna together. They will be roommates one day!

Melanie and me with our babes.

Even though we were in a pretty crappy spot on the lawn, I still loved the view. Take me out to the ballgame...

Hannah looks ready to get out of there. :)

Right after the game on Saturday, we drove to Scott's sister's house in Vegas to spend the night.

Hannah enjoyed playing with her cousins (no pics taken).

I tried to get a good shot of Hannah's cute, chubby legs.

After Sacrament Meeting, we met up with our good friend Emily to drive home.

We took a little pit stop in St. George to hang with my sister and her fam. Hannah loved being with her cousins!

Cutie patooties!

The ride home was nice. I enjoyed chatting with Emily.

And Hannah enjoyed being entertained by Emily!

Unfortunately, Hannah had her first experience with throwing up in the car, just 2 hours before we arrived home. Nasty! Poor baby!

Hannah's souvenir.

GO CUBS!!!

15-month Well Child Check

I still love hearing or reading that--well child check. It makes me happy. :)

Anyway, today Hannah had her 15-month Well Child Check. She wasn't too happy about it because it was right during her nap time. But she did manage plenty of smiles and waves for her doctor. Hannah also got one shot, which made her extremely sad. Poor baby. She has now been sleeping for over 2 1/2 hours.

Hannah's amazing 15-month stats:
Height--30.75 inches (57th %)
Weight--22 lbs 8 oz (68th %--Wowza! Can I get a shout out for whole milk?!)
Head circumference--19.65 inches (99.9 %--Awesome!)

At least Hannah's body is starting to catch up with her head. Her doctor actually re-measured her head, just to be sure. He got 19.5 inches, but that's still 99.7%. Funny!

We are so grateful to have a baby who is growing and thriving and almost walking. The doctor isn't concerned about Hannah. She is doing great in all other areas--just still a little behind in her gross motor skills. So we will stick with physical therapy a little longer. Scott and I are just so happy with all the progress Hannah has made. She's amazing!

Have a great weekend, everyone! Tonight we are heading to St. George, on our way to Arizona for Cubs Spring Training. I couldn't be more excited!!!

You've come a long way, baby! :)

Snapshots of Life

Despite the craziness of this past month, we have been able to continue to enjoy life...

Healing time with the girls! A few days after we found out we weren't going to be having any babies, my mom took my sisters, niece, and me out for mani's/pedi's, lunch, and clothes shopping for Hannah. Thanks, Mom!

We also enjoyed a BYU basketball game with friends and fam, courtesy of Jen's parents. Gracias!

Hannah enjoyed a few naps. She had a cold virus and a nasty cough that lingered for almost 3 weeks. Poor baby!

Hannah really enjoyed making lots of huge messes.

This was pretty much the state of our home while I was sick.

Hannah never forgets to include the other side of the table in her mess-making. :)

Hannah and I loved going for a few walks in the nice weather.

Hannah loves to put this bag over her head and then continue to read books or play with her toys.

Peek-a-boo, silly girl!

We all enjoyed BYU's first home baseball game of the season.

I LOVE this shot of Hannah's chubba-licious cheeks! Yum!

Hannah was very excited to sit in her own seat and shake her baseball. She would raise her fists in the air and yell rah (wah)! Super cute.

Hannah likes hanging out with the camera bag strap around her neck. She is obsessed with putting any strap, string, or cord she can find around her neck. It's basically the only thing she does that drives me nuts!

Lately Hannah loves to make forts with us both under a blanket. She thinks it's hilarious!

And that's our life lately. :)

A Few of Hannah's Favorite Things

I thought I'd commemorate Hannah's 15 months of life by telling you 15 of Hannah's favorite things (in no particular order). Some are new favorites and some are old. And I, of course, find them all absolutely adorable and endearing. :)

1- People
Hannah has always loved people. She is so friendly to everyone and quite the flirt with the guys. Today in church, she spent half of Sacrament Meeting smiling at, waving at, and holding the finger of a male visitor sitting next to us. I'm pretty sure she was hoping to charm her way into getting his phone. Hannah also shows sweet compassion for other babies and little kids by smiling and waving at them when they are crying, and she has even helped several of them calm down at church. Super cute!

2- Books
Hannah still can't get enough of them. She wants me to read to her all the time. But I really prefer to listen to her "read." It's so stinkin' cute!

"Your turn, Mommy."

3- Music/Dancing
Hannah spends much of her day making sure that her music-making toys are making music. She loves to bounce, rock, wave her hands, and shake her head to the beat. And she'll dance to anything with rhythm--rock music, classical music, lullabies, nursery rhymes, finger plays, hymns, and even the dishwasher at times. So funny!

4- Jabbering
Hannah is quite the chatterbox. She has consistently said mama and dada for quite awhile, and she now consistently says baby, ball ("bah"), and bye ("buh"). Hannah can also say several other words--thank you, please, hi, hello, amen, that, book, dog, duck, Hannah, Jesus--but she is very inconsistent and a bit stubborn about saying them. Her very favorite things to say repeatedly are doidle doidle doidle, be-duh be-duh, and me-nuh me-nuh. I have no idea what she thinks she is saying, but it sounds very important. Oh, and Hannah signs a little. She has signed "more" for several months and recently decided to start signing "please." It's super cute and irresistible! And her aunt Diana just taught her how to sign candy too. Funny!

5- Praying
Hannah absolutely loves to pray. Throughout the day, she likes to suddenly fold her arms and grunt for me to say a prayer. One day I said about 10 prayers right in a row. Sometimes Hannah will fold her arms and start to jabber her own prayer. The other day while Scott was alone with her, Hannah folded her arms, pointed at a picture of Jesus, and then folded her arms again. Way cute that she is making the connection.

6- Kissing/Hugging
Hannah has loved kissing and hugging her baby dolls for several months. But she will now kiss pretty much anything with a face--her stuffed animals, a star with a face drawn on it, pictures of people, books with people, and even my nephew's super ugly wrestling action figure. Hannah is still very intense when she kisses and usually growls when she does so. Scott and I absolutely love it when she smothers us with hugs and kisses.

Mwah!

What a sweetie!

7- Walking (with her walker)
Hannah loves to crawl, but she is starting to love to walk with us helping her and especially with a new walker she got from her physical therapist. It's so cute! Hannah's really close to walking on her own, and I think the walker is increasing her confidence.

Adorable! (even if she does look a bit like a polio patient :))

8- Buttons
While Hannah does like buttons on clothes, her favorite buttons are on remote controls, toys, tv's, computers, phones, and whatever else she can get her hands on. She knows which remote control does what and which buttons to push to make things happen. And she knows which button to push to open the cd thing on my laptop. Good times.

Hannah loves to sneak to the side of my laptop to see how many keys she can push before I can close it.

9- Prunes/oatmeal/chicken nuggets/green beans/ice cream/Nutella
These are Hannah's current favorite foods, but that can change at the drop of a hat. She's still very inconsistent about eating. Silly girl.

10- Being outside
Poor Hannah has been stuck inside way too much these past couple of months. But thanks to some great weather and my improved health, this past week we went on several walks. And Hannah absolutely loved it. She kicks her legs with joy throughout most of our walks. And she of course waves at everyone she sees.

"How old are you, Hannah?" "One!"

You can't see it, but Hannah is kicking for joy.

11- Head, shoulders, knees, and toes
Hannah likes to do actions to songs like Twinkle, Twinkle, and The Itsy Bitsy Ladybug (my version). But currently her favorite one to do many times throughout the day is Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes. She doesn't usually get all the body parts right, but it sure is adorable to see her try.

12- Baths
Hannah has always loved baths, and she continues to love to play in the bath tub. Our favorite part of bath time is when Hannah smiles and waves at us immediately upon being placed in the water. I think she is thanking us for letting her take a bath.

13- Making messes
Since her crawling debut a couple of months ago, Hannah has become an expert at making messes. I just love watching her explore, so I usually allow it. Now I just need to teach her to clean up after herself.

This pic shows both Hannah's mess-making skills as well as her "reading" skills.

"Oh, hi Mom. Now you can read it!"

14- Her mommy and daddy
It really is an incredible feeling to be loved so deeply by such an amazing little girl. Scott is still the one Hannah likes the most when she wants fun and laughter, and I am usually the one she wants the most when she is tired or hungry. I'm so glad that she loves us both.

15- Jesus
Hannah points at pictures of Jesus several times a day and waves at Him. She has even called him "Jee" a few times. Today in church, Hannah was looking at a picture of Jesus in a cute board book and gave Him a huge, growly kiss. So precious.

Happy 15 months of life to our Hannah baby!

One bonus pic of Hannah chewing on her tongue--one of her favorite teething past times. Hannah has 15 teeth now!

Fertility Dolls

So, this was supposed to be an amazing post about an amazing miracle.

I was going to tell you all about how well these things apparently work:

(fertility dolls our friends brought back for us from South Africa--Hannah was actually conceived at about the time they were purchased)

I was also going to tell you all about how shocked, grateful, and terrified Scott and I were to find out that we were expecting twins after only one month of trying (and with no fertility treatments).

But apparently Heavenly Father had different plans. And here I had been thinking that He must really not want Hannah to be a weird, smothered only child. Now I'm still not at all sure what He was/is thinking. He's kind of a teaser.

So here's what happened... (WARNING: THIS IS LONG AND TMI!)

Many of you already know that Scott and I found out in January (the 18th) that I was pregnant. We were very surprised, grateful, and relieved that we didn't need to use fertility treatments. We had been anticipating trying for 6 months and then returning to our fertility doctor to have a couple rounds of fertility treatments. We certainly weren't expecting it to happen so quickly. I'll admit that the same day I found out that I was pregnant, I felt sad about that loss of one-on-one time I would have with Hannah once the new baby arrived. I have since heard that this is a normal feeling for moms to have when they are expecting their 2nd child.

I started having some light bleeding (beginning of TMI) the day after I found out I was pregnant, so I had to stop exercising and start "taking it easy." I also decided not to get too attached to the pregnancy. I had blood drawn twice that weekend that showed that my HCG levels were increasing at a normal rate. However, they weren't as high as they should have been at 5 1/2 weeks. My doctor said I just probably wasn't as far along as I thought I was. That seemed pretty unlikely to me due to the fact that I have been very good at keeping track of my cycle for years now. But I had been told that the fact that I was weaning Hannah right when I got pregnant could have altered my cycle. And I also already knew that I ovulate very late when I'm not on fertility meds, so I conceded that it was possible that my due date was off. And I started taking nightly progesterone suppositories (which are as bad as they sound or possibly worse).

That following week, I started having normal pregnancy symptoms--nausea, hunger, fatigue--but I felt quite a bit sicker that I had with Hannah. I also had a little more bleeding and some cramps and even some sharp abdominal pains a couple of times. So I had an ultrasound that following Monday. I was supposed to be 6 weeks and 6 days along, so Scott and I were nervous and anxious to see the baby's heart beat because we had seen Hannah's at 7 weeks.

Well, we didn't see the heartbeat. The unauthorized hospital tech lady told us that she saw a small egg sac and that I had either miscarried or wasn't very far along. We were heartbroken. Apparently, my plan to not get attached to this pregnancy had failed. My doctor called the results "inconclusive," and scheduled another ultrasound for a few days later. In the meantime, I had another HCG level blood draw which showed that my levels were increasing at a normal rate. I felt hope again.

On February 3rd, I had another ultrasound (this time at my doctor's office), and the tech clarified with us that we hadn't used fertility treatments this time. She then told us that she was seeing 2 egg sacs. She said that I was still measuring small (about 4 weeks), but she agreed that weaning and late ovulation could throw all of that off. She then consulted with the doctor and scheduled us to go back in almost 3 weeks for a follow-up ultrasound.

Scott and I were shocked. Twins? Wow! You should have seen the look on Scott's face. He looked absolutely terrified. We were both filling thrilled and a bit terrified. We spent the next 19 days thinking, planning, and worrying about how in the heck we were going to physically, logistically, and emotionally manage having twins just 21 months after Hannah was born. I felt both overwhelmed and hopeful. I worried a lot about the effect twins would have on Hannah's life. But the day after Valentines Day, I suddenly felt an overwhelming love for my babies in my stomach. I felt great peace knowing that somehow I would love them as much as I love Hannah, and I knew that that would make it possible for me to do and be whatever I needed to do and be for all 3 of them (with a lot of help from Heavenly Father and from family and friends).

My pregnancy was going well during this time. I only had light bleeding twice. And all 9 pregnancy tests I took throughout this whole process were positive--even the one I took the night before my last ultrasound. (You could say I was a little leery about my body actually being capable of being and staying pregnant on its own--9 tests!). I was feeling quite hopeful going into that last ultrasound. I knew I was still pregnant, so I thought that the worst-case scenario would be that I had lost one of the twins. I could live with that.

Scott and I were hugely disappointed when we found out during the ultrasound on February 22nd that there were no babies in the egg sacs. My doctor told us it was a twin blighted ovum (or ova). He said that it happens in about 20% of miscarriages. The egg gets fertilized and the placenta forms, but then either the baby never starts growing or actually starts and stops very early on. I had never heard of this before.

I felt sick and numb as I walked out of the doctor's office with Scott. But quickly my disappointment turned into anger toward Heavenly Father. Why in the world would He do this to us?! What was the point of getting our hopes us and then dashing them to pieces?! And the twin thing?! Come on!! That was just completely unnecessary. Don't you think?

I felt silly that I had actually started to believe that Scott and I were going to be one of those couples. You know, the ones who go from Infertile Turtles to Fertile Myrtles overnight. I have heard many of these miraculous stories and even know some miraculous couples and babies personally. I just should have known better than to let myself get so hopeful. Silly me.

Physical pain soon joined my emotional pain. Scott and I opted not to do the D&C (surgery) in order to save a few thousand dollars that we believed would be better spent on future fertility treatments. Big mistake. After almost 3 weeks and 3 rounds of meds, I still have a little bit of tissue left to pass. I'll spare you all the gory details (some of you haven't been so fortunate), but just know that the process has involved a lot of pain, emotional stress, blood loss, anxiety, anemia, and one trip to the emergency room (due to hemorrhaging). Not to mention, some loss of quality time with Hannah. I have been quite sick and fatigued--thank goodness for Scott! If there is a next time, I will absolutely opt for the D&C. The emotional and physical cost was not worth the little money saved.

So that's that. I'm still not certain what I am supposed to be learning from this experience. Don't worry. I'm not still angry with Heavenly Father. Just a little annoyed from time to time, but not angry. As is usually my way, I avoided reading my scriptures for a few days after that last ultrasound. But I finally read the chapter I had read a few days before that ultrasound that had given me peace and comfort--Ether 6. The first half is about the brother of Jared and his people sailing to the promised land. Now, I know I'm not a thing like the brother of Jared, but for some reason this chapter really spoke to me. When I first read it, I found comfort in reading about how the brother of Jared was able to prepare so well both temporally and spiritually that his vessels could not be penetrated by dark waters or animals. And they had light/hope. At the time it seemed strange to me that I was comparing having twins to be swallowed up in the depths of the sea--I knew it wasn't going to be that hard. But I did take comfort in knowing that Heavenly Father would help me prepare for it both temporally and spiritually.

When I read this chapter again after the ultrasound, I knew it was meant to help me get through the miscarriage. I needed to be strong and faithful and not let the darkness of despair into my vessel. I needed to sing praises to to Heavenly Father for His blessings and be grateful for His tender mercies. I certainly didn't do any of this very well, but I felt peace in knowing that Heavenly Father would help me through this if I let Him. It was a turning point for me about a week into this ordeal. I asked Scott for a blessing, and I have felt peace ever since. It certainly helps that I have had my sweet Hannah to love and care for. She brings so much joy into my life. And she is my hope for the future. I'm so grateful to my Heavenly Father for the blessing of having Hannah. This whole experience would have been so much harder without her. If it were possible to love and appreciate Hannah more than I already did, I certainly do.

At this point, who knows if Hannah will ever have a sibling. I have to wait at least a couple of months to try again. And Scott and I may need some more time for emotional healing after that. I'm not sure what Heavenly Father's plan is for my future, but I certainly plan to be as happy and content with my Hannah-ful life as I was before the miscarriage.

Thanks to all of you for your love and support. Scott and I have truly appreciated your prayers.

**A positive end note: This trial has helped me realize how far I have come in my emotional healing. At the beginning of my miscarriage, Scott inadvertently did a couple of things that triggered my past trauma, and I wasn't sure how long it would take me to work through it. Thankfully, due to the deep trust I have in Scott and due to our healthy relationship, I was able to talk openly about it and forgive Scott (relatively) quickly and then rely on him throughout the rest of the miscarriage. So maybe I have learned a thing or two from this trial. :)

And now a picture of my actual fertility dolly:

Isn't she adorable?!