Loss & Gains

I know quite a bit about loss. A big part of what I do in my work is to help others grieve and heal from the losses that occur with abuse and trauma. So you might think I would be able to easily deal with my own loss. Not always.

Today is September 18th. It was my due date. For my twins. And it's been a hard day. Harder than I expected.

Anniversaries and certain dates are especially hard with loss. So I anticipated that today would be hard--I just didn't expect to feel so sad. I could have had two more babies by now. Scott could have had two more children. And Hannah could have had two siblings. I know that most of my sadness is for Hannah's loss. Scott and I already have the incredible blessing of being parents. But will Hannah ever have the blessing of being a sister? Of having a little brother or a little sister or both?

I certainly hope so. She would be such a wonderful big sister. She absolutely loves her baby cousins. Any doubt that I had about her ability to adjust to and love a younger sibling has dissolved as I have watched her sweetness with those two baby boys. She is so happy to have them around and tries to be so helpful by wiping their spitty mouths or giving them toys or blankets or whatever. Hannah obviously has a special capacity to expand her love. She is even more loving towards me when the babies are around. I'm so grateful that she has them to love and that she has many other cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents that she loves and who love her. They are all such an important part of her life. But the reality is that it's just not the same as having a sibling to share everyday life with and grow up with and reminisce about your childhood with and have your own babies with and take care of your aging parents with.

The good news is that I had my last monthly blood draw last week, and everything came back normal. So we got the ok to start trying to get pregnant again. I'm both excited and terrified. Excited that we might be able to have another child. But also terrified that we will get our hopes up only to experience a huge loss again. My miscarriage was really hard on me--both physically and emotionally. And it was hard on Scott. But it was even harder to see how it affected Hannah to have me sick and unable to do many things for several months. I really don't want to put her through that again.

Have I mentioned how grateful I am for that cutie Hannah? She has brought me so much joy and peace and hope throughout her short life, three things that I especially needed and thankfully had during the drawn-out miscarriage. If I hadn't already had Hannah, that loss would have been absolutely devastating. But I have Hannah. Forever. And what more could I possibly want?

Except for a sibling for her. And another baby for me to somehow love and adore as much as I love and adore Hannah. So please pray for us. We really do appreciate your prayers.

After a loss, it is helpful to look at what you have gained. I have gained an even deeper appreciation and love for Hannah. And for the gift of motherhood. And for good health. And for Scott. And for our friends and family. I truly am blessed.

Today is also Hannah's 21-month birthday. 21 months! And even though I only cried in the shower and during her nap time, she seemed to sense what I needed and gave me extra loves today. I especially loved it when I was ordering photo prints at CostCo, and instead of getting bored she sat next to me in the cart and caressed and hugged my arm. What a sweetheart!

 Here she is looking super cute...

...while she chats with everyone she sees in my screen saver pics. :)

I'm feeling much better now. It's amazing what sharing thoughts and feelings does for healing. Thanks for listening. I'm going to go share some more with Scott.